


Until the End of Me

by emryses



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M, Magic Revealed, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-22
Updated: 2014-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-18 09:57:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2344277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emryses/pseuds/emryses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fic otherwise known as: 5 times Arthur couldn’t say “I love you” and the one time he did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until the End of Me

**Author's Note:**

> A few things: this fic is part of one of the very many headcanons that I have for Merlin BBC, and it loosely follows canon including and excluding a few things.
> 
> You could say it's canon divergent from the end of Series One, as Arthur and Gwen never have any sort of romantic relationship here.

i.

When Arthur met Merlin the first thing he saw was blue; the blue of the sky bringing out the stupid blue in his eyes. The second thing Arthur saw was how much of an idiot he was. The child was a complete ass, toppling over things, always bringing Arthur’s breakfast when it had turned cold. If it was anyone else Arthur would have fired him – kicked him out of Camelot on terms of being a  “treacherous servant”. Arthur didn’t, though. He hadn’t really known why.

There was something so strange and peculiar and alluring about Merlin that made Arthur want to spend every second alone with him, and somehow over a few small weeks Merlin had wormed his way into Arthur’s otherwise closed off heart.

It started at a banquet, the one where his idiot of a manservant decided that Arthur was worth dying over, and had drank poison that was meant for him. Arthur remembers dropping to the stone floor and practically gathering Merlin in his arms – he was so small then, and Merlin had fit into his arms like a glove – Arthur remembers that baffling him – he had picked Merlin up and brought him to Gaius’ chambers – and that’s another thing Arthur remembers of that night, thinking: _He’s got to live. This stupid, idiotic, beautiful boy has to live._

“He saved my life, I can’t just stand by and watch him die!”

Uther had been impossible to reason with, Arthur remembers the anger he felt, the red hot fury that was behind his eyes as he looked at his father for what he thought at the time was pure hatred. So when Gaius told Arthur the only way to save Merlin was with the Mortaeus flower ( _Of course_ _Merlin can only be saved by a flower, the girl_ ) Arthur sets off as soon as he can, his father be damned.

Because when Merlin survived, when Arthur met his open eyes and _saw_ that Merlin was alive, that he was breathing and that he was _there_ , Arthur realized with sudden clarity: _I love you_.

 

 ii.

For two years Arthur was definitely _not_ pining. He didn’t spend two years thinking about Merlin’s pale skin, he didn’t spend two years going absolutely _crazy_ thinking about Merlin’s stupid collarbones whenever there was an off chance he had forgotten one of those raggedy old neckerchiefs. And Arthur had definitely not spent two years laying in his bed every night thinking _I love him I love him IlovehimIlovehimIlovehim_. 

(That all boiling down to the truth: that he did pine. The shocker was finding out Merlin pined too.)

Which happened something like this:

They had been out on a hunt (because everything seemed to happen when the two of them were out on a hunt) Arthur hadn’t caught anything because Merlin was a complete and utter tosser who couldn’t shut up for five seconds.

It had turned dark a while ago, Merlin had been making collecting firewood and the two of them had gotten into a fight (it wasn’t so much as a fight than a bickering match) over what Arthur can’t remember now, but it ended with:

“You’re an idiot, Merlin.”

“Oh me? _I’m_ the idiot?”

“Yes, you are, I’m _so_ glad we’re on the same page now.”

Merlin had scoffed, rolled his eyes and mumbled (quite possibly too loudly), “I must be an idiot, to love someone like you,” before freezing and standing rigidly still, Arthur thought he must have gone into shock.

“What did you say?” Arthur had whispered, desperately hoping he had heard it right the first time.

Merlin laughed, trying to wave it off muttering, “Nothing, nothing.”

But Arthur had grabbed Merlin’s arm and pulled Merlin towards him, trying to catch his eyes, “No,” Arthur had said quietly, bringing one had to touch Merlin’s face, “What did you say?”

Merlin had turned to look at Arthur, his eyes flickering and whispered quietly, “I-I love you?”

It didn’t take long after that for Arthur to pull Merlin into his body and to kiss him like he had never kissed anyone before, to pull him close and to see how Merlin fit into the curves of his body and how Arthur fit into his. That was the night Arthur had learned to show Merlin how much he loved him, by pressing Merlin down and kissing every inch of his body, by pressing into Merlin and whispering, _“You’re beautiful, Merlin, gods you’re so beautiful,”_ and _“Stay here with me, stay with me forever, please don’t ever go Merlin”_ or even just Merlin’s name, chanting Merlin’s name over and over and over, because that was the night that Arthur knew he was never going to let go of Merlin, ever.

That morning, when the sun had come over them, the yellow sun cascading over their skin, Merlin had whispered into Arthur’s ear, “I love you, and I don’t expect you to say it back to me. I know why you can’t, but I just want you to know that I love you, and I’ll love you until the end of me.”

 “Or me,” Arthur had said lightly.

Merlin had sat up to look Arthur directly in the eyes and had said fiercely in a tone that had made Arthur believe him with every part of his being: “That’s unlikely.”

 

 iii.

It should be a happy day, Arthur thought, the day he watched two of his closest friends share their love together. But it’s incredibly hard when all he wants to do is to be able to show Merlin the same.

Arthur had been the king for a little over a year before Lancelot and Guinevere had come to him asking if he would allow them to marry in the castle’s courtyard. Arthur had agreed quickly and even helped Guinevere plan for the event.

So now he sat beside Merlin at the feast, holding his hand tight under the table, tracing his fingers over the lines in Merlin’s palms.

“Stop looking like a wounded puppy, Arthur, it’s not particularly attractive,” Merlin said with a smirk.

“Shut up, Merlin, I do not,” Arthur mumbles.

Merlin laughs, stilling Arthur’s hands and petting them. They’re being a tad obvious and Arthur knows it. They usually never try to make it obvious (though Merlin is telling Arthur all the time how everyone knows.)

Arthur supposed now that his father was gone he was able to be more open about loving Merlin, even though everyone including him knew that nothing can over come of it. Merlin isn’t a woman, Arthur cannot marry Merlin and Merlin cannot give him an heir to Camelot’s throne. Not that Arthur wants all of that from Merlin, the last thing in the world Arthur wants is for Merlin to become a woman – Arthur loves Merlin’s body, his hair and the way it curls at the nape of his neck, how he always smells of the herbs that Gaius makes him run to fetch, and the smooth plane of his body that has no lumps or bumps.

It’s later that night after Arthur was holding Merlin tight that he whispers into his skin, “I’m sorry, I wish I could give you everything.”

“You have given me everything, Arthur,” Merlin whispers, running his hands through Arthur’s hair.

Arthur disagrees though, shaking his head as the tears he cannot shed form in the corners of his eyes, “No I haven’t, and I never can.”

“No,” Merlin says fiercely, “You’ve given me everything you are capable of, and for that I am forever grateful.”

 

 

iv.

“Have you used it on me?”

“Arthur!”

“ _Have you used it on me?!_ ”

It would have sounded like a silence to Arthur if it would not had been for the deafening ringing in his ears.

“Yes.”

A choke.

“Arthur please just listen – listen to me please!”

“Listen? _Listen?_ Do you think this is a joke, Merlin?—”

“—Everything I do, everything I am is for you—”

“—I am not listening to this. You lied – you lied to me for 10 years! Does that mean nothing to you? The ten years we’ve known one another, the eight that we’ve – that we have been… what we are.”

“—I’m yours!”

Arthur chokes back bile, he’s going to leave him in this damn forest, he doesn’t care. But then he made the mistake of looking Merlin in the eye, and Arthur was paralyzed.

Merlin’s face is a wreck, red and already soaked with tears and he’s on the ground. He’s staring at Arthur with this tragically beautiful face, on his knees in the grass and mud. The first thing Arthur thinks is blue, the blue of Merlin’s eyes matching the perfect blue of the sky. The second thing Arthur thinks is how ironic it all is, this day. How beautiful and sunny it is, and yet he’d just witnessed Merlin betray him by wiping out a band of almost twenty men in one fell swoop, just from the spark of his eyes.

“I’m yours.” Merlin whispers, closing his eyes as more tears fall.

Arthur does leave the forest that day, but only after dropping to his knees and collecting Merlin in his arms.

 

v. 

As the courtroom clears out, Arthur stays seated in his chair, his hands feeling numb, his throat and tongue dry and patchy. He manages to look up to excuse the guards, waiting until he and Merlin are the last in the room before he looks up.

_(The court hadn’t been wrong, Arthur knew that. He had been the king for a decade now and still there was no wife, still there was no heir. If something were to happen to Arthur Camelot would fall or be left to the hands of Morgana. Neither a prospect Arthur wanted to happen._

_He knew he shouldn’t have made a decision then – he knew how cruel it was to do this to Merlin, to announce it, to make this decision while Merlin was sitting there at his righthand side. But it had to be done, it really had to._

_“Send word out to our allied kingdoms, and tell them…” he had paused, eyes flashing to Merlin briefly hoping they were saying everything he needed to be said,_ (I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sososo sorry) _before continuing, “Tell them I am seeking a maiden to wed.”)_

So when Arthur looks up into Merlin’s eyes he knows what it feels like to feel every part of your body shatter.

“Merlin,” he whispers. Merlin’s eyes shift up and look directly into Arthur’s.

 Merlin’s hands slip into his, Arthur gripping them tightly, not wanting to let go, eyes focused on Merlin, “It’s for Camelot.”

“I know.”

“Everything I do is for Camelot.”

“I know.”

“The safety and prosperity of this kingdom has always been my main focus, I _have_ to do this—”

“ _I know!_ Arthur, I _know_.” Merlin says viciously, sighing and taking his hands back so he can run them through his hair. “I’ve known this would happen eventually … that this would _have_ to happen, I’ve known for a long time. I’ve always known.” A breath. “I – I just wish that it would hurt less…”

At his last word a small sob escapes Merlin’s lips, and Arthur immediately stands and pulls Merlin to his chest. Merlin is not a small man, over the years he’s filled out and grown and is so strong, but he feels _so_ small in Arthur’s arms, curling perfectly into the curve of Arthur’s chest and he holds him tight as Merlin silently shakes.

 “I love you,” Merlin whispers into Arthur’s neck. The feeling is there again, the gut clenching, stomach twisting pain.

_I love you_ he wanted to say, _I’ve loved you for 15 years, I don’t know who I was – how I lived without you._ But instead Arthur nods and says, “I know.”

 

 

 i.

Her name was Mithian, and she was beautiful. She had reminded Arthur of someone – dark hair, pale skin, fierce, determined, frail looking but truly strong. But it wasn’t quite the same, because Arthur’s first thought when he saw her was not blue, but brown, her eyes being dark – not unattractive, but not the perfect blue Arthur had craved and seen everyday. She would be a good companion, and a strong Queen, Arthur knew that – that is why he chose her, afterall.

The day of his wedding was a bright, sunny day in spring, Arthur is pulling out his clothing for the ceremony when there is a knock on the door.

Merlin is walking through the door before Arthur has a chance to speak. It’s not as though Arthur is shocked to see Merlin, it’s not as though the two of them have said goodbye. Arthur just wasn’t expecting Merlin to come see him… well, today of all days.

“Do you need assistance, Sire?” Merlin says, flashing Arthur a small grin.

“You’re not my servant anymore, _Mer_ lin,” Arthur says, gently.

Merlin chuckles, moving to Arthur’s bed where his clothes lay, “No. But it’s fun to pretend sometimes, isn’t it?”

Arthur’s gaze goes to Merlin’s mouth for a split second – he really can’t help it – before clearing his throat and nodding in agreement.

Merlin dressing him makes Arthur think back to the simpler days – though at the time they didn’t seem so simple. Arthur admits to himself he has missed this, the feeling of Merlin straightening out the fabric on his skin, the way his fingers linger on his chest. It makes Arthur remember long ago, when he was just a prince, and the two of them would be having one of their little bickering matches, that sometimes Merlin would become so frustrated with Arthur that all the clothes would come right off again as the two of them stumbled backwards into the bed.

“Merlin,” Arthur whispers, it’s just one word but it means so much more.

Merlin freezes where he has adjusted Arthur’s cape over his shoulders, he shakes his head, “Arthur, please.”

“No, I need to—”

“I can’t do this right now, Arthur _please_ ,” Merlin whimpers, his voice so quiet like he’ll break if he talks any louder.

Arthur pauses and doesn’t say anything. But gently he reaches up to Merlin to cup his face gently between his own palms and bring him close, resting their foreheads together. It’s such a simple gesture but it’s breaking Arthur apart.

“Merlin.”

“No, Arthur don’t—”

“Shut up Merlin.” And he does.

Arthur leans back, still holding Merlin’s face and he sees blue. Blue, the colour of Merlin’s eyes, the colour of the sky and the lake and the butterflies he sees in the forest when he’s going for a walk. Blue, the colour of Merlin’s Court Sorcerer robes that Arthur had had made for Merlin because he thought the colour would look beautiful on him. (It did.)

Arthur is looking at Merlin and he thinks something he had thought everyday for fifteen years, but had never voiced it out loud.

“I love you.”

Merlin sucks in a sharp breath, and bites on his bottom lip, Arthur knows he’s trying not to cry. They both are.

“And I know, I know I shouldn’t say it now but – well, I already said it so there it is,” Arthur laughs, “So you should know. That I do, and that I always have loved you, and I always will and not even my duty to Camelot can make me feel any differently towards you.”

Merlin shakes his head and looks down disbelievingly, and Arthur can’t help but pull him close, Merlin’s face coming to rest in his shoulder. _Like a glove,_ Arthur thinks.

“Because Merlin,” Arthur whispers, “I’ll love you until the end of me.”

Merlin barks out a laugh, half crossed with a sob and mumbles, “Or me.”

“That’s unlikely.”

Arthur presses a kiss to Merlin’s neck – the only skin he can reach right now, and he breathes in. He breathes in Merlin because he doesn’t know when the next time he can touch him like this will be. He doesn’t know if they’re running out of time, or if the time is up, or even if they have any more. But he clings to Merlin and whispers the words that he had said so long ago, that had made Arthur believe in Merlin so fiercely. Because he wants Merlin to believe him.

“I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written anything I've been happy with in a long time, so I'm very pleased that I can post this. I know that it's probably not the best and I still feel as if it's a bit choppy so please forgive that. Feel free to comment and give me tips on how I could make it better next time - I'd really appreciate it! Thank you so much for giving this a read.


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